What to Write...

This blog is supposed to be a place where I can express myself and rejoice in the accomplishment of my goals. So what am I supposed to write when the opposite of that is occuring? I suppose I write nothing...

Dalai Lama

Boy is this man wise or what!!! I finished reading "The Art of Living" today and I wish it was easy to just automatically feel joy and contentment. He talks a lot about human compassion and that to lead a fulfilling life it is one of the essential things humans must always feel. My question to you His Holiness is this, how can you feel compassion towards people who seem to have none for you? How do you get to such a state of enlightenment that you can always be so forgiving and empathetic towards others? Actually he answers this in his book, but his way takes a long time I want to know how to do it quickly so that I can stop feeling this anger and angst towards certain aspects of my life.

As I read his book I could pin point exactly all the area's of my mind that needed improvement and change. Tonight I had my first test as to whether or not I could feel compassion for a situation that I despise. I failed, I blew up, I let my anger control my every thought. I wasn't able to stay calm and collected and as a result I broke my cell phone and am regretting it deeply... Why do I allow this to happen? I am fully aware that only I can control my actions and thoughts, but I constantly feel let down by so many around me that I find it difficult to focus on being calm, happy, and relaxed. Am I too immature to be in the situation I have placed myself in? Can my mind not yet grasp what it needs to do to achieve ultimate contentment?

I have so many questions, but who do I turn to for answers? I think the real problem is I already know the answers but I'm having a hard time breaking these old habits and letting life take me where it will. I feel the need to constantly control situations and feel pity for myself when things do not turn out as I plan. Why can't life be easy? The thing is, that it can, the real question is why can't we as humans allow it to be easy? I feel constantly uneasy and unrest, like I'm always waiting for that next bomb to drop. My nerves are actually beginning to act up as a result, and this is all because I allow it to happen.

But what am I supposed to do, stop trusting everyone and live in solitude for the rest of my life? To be honest I've contemplated that... However I have a child and that little ray of sunshine deserves better than what I have given her. I need to be happy so that she can be happy. I only want her to be surrounded by people who always want to surround her! I don't want her to be burdened by my anger and watch me sit in constant dissatisfaction because that is all she will know. She is too beautiful to be turned ugly by my unhappiness. I truly wish I could sit with the Dalai Lama and feed off of the positive energy he emits and just see that all will be revealed through love and compassion...

Eleventh Grade English!

I apologize for not writing for a few days, it was supposed to be my break week where M goes to her grandparents and I'm supposed to relax. Well that definitely didn't happen... I had an overwhelming amount of things to do. Tuesday night M left so I dropped C off at rehearsal and I think I went to Walmart if I remember correctly, although this week has sort of been a blur so I honestly couldn't tell you what I did on Tuesday night... Oh wait I remember now I didn't go to Walmart I went to Ikea! I picked up a few toy bins for M's shelf and sorted through all of her old toys. Then Wednesday I cleaned my entire apartment, I mean on my hand's and knee's scrubbed I even moved all of my furniture and scrubbed behind and around and through everything! Later that night I took J, (my "god sister" as it were) out for a McDonald's date and to Toys'r'us to make a birthday wish list, I even painted her nails for her. After that we took C to rehearsal and stopped at Goodwill on the way home to donate some of M's old toys. Then I picked C up later that night. Yesterday I went to Scarborough with C and dropped him off at work and went "window shopping". I like to put that in quotes because for me there's no such thing, I have a very hard time resisting the urge not to be a common consumer. I went to Value village and found a cute sweater and a gift for my mom. Then I went to Walmart and bought a few toys for M to come home to today (seeing as I just donated a bunch I felt bad and bought her two new ones). After this I went back to the west end picked J up from school, then back to the east end to pick C up from work, then we came back to the west end to have dinner. THEN I took C to rehearsal again and went to Chapters while he practiced.

While I was in Chapters I found quite a few things that caught my eye. Then I thought to myself "I want some classic literature"! So I found a great deal "buy 2 get the 3rd book free". So I purchased "Treasure Island", "Frankenstein", "Dubliners" and "The Art of Living" this last one is by the Dalai Lama and I'm very excited to see what he has to say about how we as humans could ultimately be happy and content with our lives. So you can see how it was not that relaxing of a week but none the less enjoyable.

The reason I bought the three classic literature books is because these are three very accomplished and well respected authors. If I want to get into some serious writing I thought bring it back to basics and read the books you were forced to read in high school! However now that I'm more mature I can really appreciate these novels, I can understand the way they were written and what makes these authors so amazing. Who better to learn from than some of the greatest writers of the past. The ones who laid the foundation for the future. I almost feel like I'm challenging myself to take high school English all over again. I must not leave out how disappointed I was that my favourite piece of grade eleven literature "The Wars" by Timothy Findley was no where to be found because it was not in stock!

What was truly upsetting about this was that I couldn't even remember the name of the book or author because of my grade eleven English teacher! Mrs Baboon as we used to call her! I wrote an essay on "The Wars" and she gave sixty five percent on it which was extremely upsetting as this essay was worth twenty five percent of my final grade. When I asked her why, she couldn't even answer me, I asked her to give me an explanation so I could fix it, (I was not looking to change my grade but I wanted to know what I was doing wrong and how to fix it), and she refused. I believe she actually said "I'm the teacher and I don't need to explain myself to you that's the grade you got because it was the grade you deserved"! I was so traumatized by this teacher I couldn't even remember my favourite book! Her nasty voice and face kept popping into my mind telling me I was a failure and that I would never get into university, while she sat with her feet on her desk eating the gummy bears a student had brought her to give to her daughters. The woman was a witch and a menace to the collective student body at my high school, minus the goody two shoe popular kids! Even the nerds got bad grades in her class, and they got good grades in everything!

With that being said I have decided to re-teach myself eleventh grade English. I'm sure I will be able to do a much better job of it than my teacher did, and I'm only twenty two and did one semester of university before deciding it wasn't for me! This will certainly be interesting but I'm very excited to conquer this task just so I can say I did and if I ever see her again I will tell her about my Chapters experience! Or even better maybe one day this blog will catch on and I will publish a book and the bitch can read about it! I'm signing off with this little far well "here's to you Mrs Baboon"!!!

Lazy Day!

Today wasn't so much a productive day... I did come up with a new concept for yet another children's book. Yet another idea I'm not willing to share publicly for fear of it being stolen. Mostly I just lazed about playing games on my computer and watching the Olympics. M and I had fun playing together and romping around on the pile of blankets and cushions I laid out for us. One thing that I can say took up a lot of my time today was researching toys for M. I'm looking to clean out her infant toys and upgrade a few things so that she only has one of everything as appose to twenty of each!

I searched everywhere online for doll sets. I just can't bring myself to spend that much money on items that I know only cost two to five dollars to make. I seriously considered going to home depot and getting some wood and nails and building the stuff myself. I'm sure it would be excellent quality if I did it myself as well! All the cribs and strollers and play pens for dolls are made out of such cheap plastic in Toys'r'us... I want my daughter to have good quality toys if I'm paying for them. Maybe I will do this it can be yet another project to add to my already long list of things to do!

This one is a really good one though. If I can do this with C's help of course, these toys could be keepsakes and heirlooms in our family forever. Passed on through tradition and some day my great great great granddaughter will tell her daughter "your great great great great grandmother and grandfather built these together when your great great great grandmother was just a baby!" I love it! I'm totally gonna do it! Doll furniture will be my family legacy and it will be amazing and I will be looking on in the afterlife so proud of my accomplishment. Something that my family will always have as long as time permits it to be around! I'm so excited I think I must go and get planning, writing the blueprints for all these little treasure's!

Is it Worth it?

I've been wondering lately if I've taken on too much all at once. I'm loving all of these feelings of accomplishment and self satisfaction, but some time's I begin to worry if it's just too much? I had a conversation with C today about all these new things I'm venturing towards. He really made me realize the more you have on the go, the higher your chances of success will be! He is totally right, it's like entering the lottery, the more tickets you buy the higher your chances are at winning! I've started so many new projects in the last week and I've felt nothing but excitement for all of them. So far I have not been so discouraged that I want to quit, which is a drastic change for me. My personal motto used to be "If at first you don't succeed, NEVER try again". I can't say I used this motto in every aspect of my life but almost always for short term goals, because I never had the perspective to see how huge these little accomplishments could become.

Almost every blog I have written in the last week has been about something new or different I've begun or accomplished. I'm writing more, I'm drawing more, I've started taking a more proactive interest in gardening, and I've managed to appreciate my family and fulfill my role in our household. I think this is a lot to take in, yet I still feel that drive to add more to my plate! I want to start a mini work out regiment. My body is something I always took pride in and I have lost that a little. Growing up I was always very active, whether that be through soccer, cross country, or cheerleading I was always on the go. So to add to my list of many accomplishments I want to be toned and lean again. I can't say I really need to lose more weight I just need to tighten things up.

I'm sure all those mothers out there know how difficult this can be to do. Not only do you have an infant to care for, there are a million and one other things that most women feel take precedence over their physical appearance. I think it's just a mothering thing... But I'm taking my body back! I want to have a few years of gorgeousness before I have to give it all up for the next little munchkin. Not only that but I feel that in exercising I will have more energy to dedicate myself to my daughter, my spouse, and my personal goals! Who knows, when I'm fit again I may want to get involved in some kind of physical sport! I'm so excited! Go me and my new found sense of determination and commitment! It's totally worth it!

Relaxing....I Think Not!

Another little thing that I want to be better at is taking care of plants. I'm a fairly green person and I love plants, flowers and trees. So I decided that I would go out and get new pots for two plants that I purchased about a month ago, and some potting soil. Well I went to Ikea to get these items, and I'm sure all of you know what Ikea can be like on a Saturday afternoon, CRAZY!!! Anyway, I filtered my way through billions of shoppers, or what seemed like billions, to the plant area in the self serve section. So to recap, I was to go in get two plant pots and some soil then leave... yeah right. By the time I got to the plant area I was already so flustered with the flurry of people and items for purchase I almost forgot what I went for.

Once I oriented myself I realized they did not have the type of pot I needed in the right size. Out of their huge selection of pots they still did not have what I needed, I persevered and refused to walk out empty handed so I purchased two more plants instead. I justified this by saying to myself "it's like a puppy mill for plants here! You have to adopt two of these sad looking creatures". I proceeded to the check out which took approximately fifteen minutes, fifteen minutes to pay for two tiny plants that only cost me four dollars in total....I know it was ridiculous! I got my plants and continued my journey to become a better gardener, next stop Home Depot! (Oh I forgot to mention Ikea also didn't have soil).

So after listening to about four different cars honk at one another about who would get my parking spot I was finally on my way to Home Depot. That was a whole other ordeal, I got a great parking spot once again and luckily the seasonal section was exactly to my right when I walked in the doors. Easy enough, I found my plant pots and my soil, although I was harassed by two different workers as to whether or not I needed help (I didn't think Home Depot was on commission). I got into my car heard about seven more cars honking at one another in dissatisfaction. I mossied on home with my two new plants, my two plant pots for the old ones, and soil that seemed to be making my car stink like manure....

C laughed as he saw me enter the house with my arms full and could tell I had just had a fairly frustrating last hour and a half. I carefully placed the plants and pots on the kitchen table and dropped the ten litre bag of dirt (which was the smallest size they had). Never having re potted a plant before, I decided it would be best to look at the instructions on the back of the soil. Boy was it ever complicated, once again C let out a chuckle as he read the back as well. I placed my pot's on the ground and in my excitement removed the plant from it's old pot before placing new soil in the bottom of the new one! Once I got that sorted out, I proceeded to pour the huge bag of soil into the tiny little pot, not easy at all, C chuckled. I cursed out the soil and the plants and the pots and how much dirt was on the floor and eventually in my finger nails. C laughed and then commented with "I though gardening was supposed to be relaxing"? Then added in a mocking voice "I want to be a gardener"! I couldn't help but laugh at the truth behind this statement as it was part of the reason I wanted to get into plant care....

Oh joyous Saturday and all your challenges, accomplishments, and frustrations on the road to relaxation. In having said all of this I am proud to say that I am that much closer to my goal of loving and caring for plants!!! I'm on my way to becoming a gardener!

Intelligence? I really wonder some times.....

C and I are constantly amazed by our daughter. She seems so advanced, and maybe people constantly telling us this is going to our heads. She continues to surprise us more and more each day with just how much she can comprehend. We always find ourselves thinking how can somebody so little know so much? Well every now and then we get put back in our place, yesterday was one of those days. We had put M to bed and because we live in such a small area we have to go into our kitchen until she falls asleep. All was quiet so I went to check on her, I opened the curtain (that is her wall/door) and she was most definitely not asleep. She was sitting upright with one foot shoved through the bars of her crib playing with her toe..... Like I said some times I really wonder if we don't give her a little more credit that she deserves.

Another issue I have is why don't toddlers learn from pain. My daughter is continually climbing and falling off the coffee table, and not just little tumbles, she's really hurt herself a few times. But it never deters her. She does the same with the couch. I have been trying to teach her that she needs to sit on her bum, will she listen, no, does she know exactly what I'm asking of her, yes! She would rather get twenty concussions than listen to her mother. The truly bizarre thing of all this is that adults, just like children do this everyday. We sacrifice safety for pleasure or convenience, I couldn't tell you how many times I have burnt myself on a hot dish because I wanted my food that much faster. C has hurt himself at work many times trying to get the job done that much faster. Also we pollute our bodies with harmful substances to feel that much better. Things like cigarettes and alcohol for that temporary release, that little buzz that makes us feel a little better for the time being.

Now that I've written all of this I think I have answered my own question as to whether or not my daughter is smart or a little lacking. The answer is...yes she is quite intelligent. It is human nature to want to always feel good and accomplished in a timely fashion. For C and I this might be a few beers and a few smokes. For M this is being on the couch (which I can't blame her for being proud of, it's hard work getting onto a couch when you're only two feet tall), and making our home a mess, and trying to do everything I request of her in a day. This last one I give her every right to be proud because I'll admit I'm a fairly demanding mother and she has risen to my every challenge. She is smart, we all are, we just need our vice's no matter how dumb they seem, to get through all of our day to day challenges.

Hard Work!

I decided that since I have been so great with writing almost everyday, whether it be on my blog or in my journal that I would draw a picture yesterday. Well was that ever difficult or what! I started out alright but I've always had a hard time with faces, and I'm usually a very fast drawer. I worked on this piece for three hours before finally giving it up... Although I shouldn't use those words giving up, I look at it as a rest. I decided to put it down due to my extreme frustration with myself and take a crack at it later. I couldn't understand why it was so difficult for me to do. Then I remembered M was up. Darn babies and all their glorious distractions!

I'm beginning to realize though, that I should start learning to work through the distraction or I will never get anything done. With M I find this very difficult to do because she is my responsibility. I want to know what she's doing, where she is, what she's getting into, or how she is playing. Not only that but I don't feel that she is at an age yet where she should have to amuse herself. She is very capable of keeping herself busy but I hate brushing her off for my own pleasure. I'm sure this is a problem many stay at home mom's have. How do you cope with trying to get all the things you want to accomplish finished when you can't help but get lost in your child's activities?

So my next mission is going to be to find the answer to that question... I have a feeling it's going to be a long journey but, I need to know. Is it really darn near impossible to get all the things you want done when you're a stay at home mom. The other night I wanted to get out of the house since it had been nearly a week since I left the confines of this building I call home. So I dropped C off at rehearsal and wanted to take the munchkin to Toys'r'us. She screamed so loud the entire drive, and I mean wailed to the point where she could barely breath and I could barely think. We drove like this all the way there only to find that the store had just closed. So I did the only thing I knew would work. I went to Walmart.... My worst enemy, I hate to love and love to hate this store, but it was the only one open where I could browse up and down the toy aisle with M and keep her quiet. She eventually started screaming again and we left to pick up C. This was my break........

I'm finding more and more that I do not ever get to have a break. I think about C for example. He leaves for work in the morning and comes back home at night when he gets home that's his break. I wake up with M in the morning and am still with her until she goes to bed, where's my break? Even on weekends I'm still with her, I do not have a break from this job unless I need to do some serious grocery shopping or C and I get a sitter for the night and go out. Recently my mother in law has been taking little M once a month for two nights and three days. I cannot express my gratitude towards this woman for giving me that little window of opportunity to have a relationship, some alone time and a meal where I'm not cleaning up after everyone else, nor am I changing diapers! Yet some how I find that it's not enough I need a mid week break. A hump day to have to myself, but the question still remains how do you get it and what do you do once you've got it? It's amazing how a little thing like a few hours alone can make such a huge difference in a person's life. Once I find the answers to all of these questions I will be sure to let you all know! Now I must sign off because there's a diaper to be changed......

Hello Accomplishment's! Goodbye Procrastination!

So the better part of my day today was spent working on a little project C and I discussed last night. He asked, "why don't you write a children's book"? This is something I have thought about in the past, and for some reason have always talked myself out of it. I find that in today's society most people minimize their talents and just assume they are never going to be good enough. It takes some one of a very strong will to accomplish any of their little goals. What we don't realize though is these little goals will always lead to bigger feats.

Going with the theme of my blog I took the initiative today and decided to get cracking on my little project. I started by coming up with the base for my stories. Things like setting, character's, story line's etc. By the time I finished all that I thought to myself "M is sleeping you've got nothing but time, why don't you test the waters and try to write one of these books"? In the end I wrote six books and thought of an amazing selling point (which unfortunately for you I am not willing to share just yet). Before I start looking for help publishing I have decided to consult with some family and bring them the stories to see what they think. When I was done I was all by myself sitting at my kitchen table beaming at no one. The pride I was able to take in this little thing that I accomplished had me so overwhelmed I almost gave my self a nice hard pat on the back. Like you do in kindergarten...

However in doing this today I have discovered that nothing is impossible if you will it to happen. I had been toying with the idea of these children's books for years even before I had my daughter. Realistically it was C and M who have inspired me to follow through with this goal. However the fact that I have wanted to do this so long has made me realize I had it in me the whole time. Right now I feel as though I'm on top of the world, I'm left wondering what amazing "little thing" can I accomplish tomorrow.....?

My little thing....

She is my world, my light, and my life. My daughter... a menacing monster at times yes, but when I see what she has accomplished in these last sixteen months it makes me look at myself and ask "what have you really accomplished in the last twenty two years of your life"? My answer is my child. Don't get me wrong I love her and I put everything I am into her (unfortunately good and bad), but what about before her...? There are a few things that I have done in the past that have been pushed to the side. Things that I had forgotten I was good at. To name a few, art, writing, and having fun no matter what. Over the last two years since I became pregnant I have not really done anything to excel in my talents. I want my daughter to see that I am more than just a mother, that I have friends and gifts and talents that were passed onto me by various people in my life.

I recently bought a very expensive camera in hopes of improving my photography skills. This was something that I loved to do in high school, though I never had the courage to join the photography club or anything like that. So for the first month after I received my shiny new toy I tested it and took some amazing pictures. The one thing I was really hoping to be good at photographing was C's band. That proved to be much more difficult than I would have ever imagined. For this subject I would actually need to know how to use my camera well, I would need to know it inside and out. For anyone who knows me, I am the kind of person who likes to perfect things as quickly as possible, the moment I am discouraged I stop pursuing the subject and quit. I have done this with many things, except mothering, it's the one thing I enjoy doing no matter how challenging. Not to mention, I don't have a choice in the matter. As I was saying I had a hard time with the music photo's so I haven't brought the camera to a show in over two months, nor have a tried to teach myself anything new about the camera.

Another hobby of mine is drawing... I drew this amazing picture of my spouse playing his drums. I posted it on my facebook account and the response was amazing. Everyone loved it, so I made it a personal goal to draw every day. I've drawn nothing since two weeks ago when I finished that piece. I keep making excuses and to me they are valid.... M is hungry or M needs to be changed, or M is having a nap and now I'm too tired and need a nap as well. Every mother's worst enemy sleep deprivation. So I put off all these things that would benefit me greatly for a few minutes on facebook, or a movie I would rather watch instead. C and I were talking about me going back to school and getting a job. I thought to myself this would give me routine, this is an excellent idea. Then I realized this was just another thing to add to my list of reasons not to get what I really want done. Not to work on the things that make me feel good.

So I've started this blog to write about what my day to day life is like and how to improve on all the little things. I figure if I put it in writing then I will see for myself what it is I really need to do to make this all work! It's a blog about my day to day challenges of becoming a better, writer, artist, photographer, wife and mother...