A New Day

Day one of keeping on top of things is going pretty well so far. I woke up at ten to eight, had my coffee and hung out with C for a bit before he had to go to work. Now it's nine and realistically I just want to go back to bed! However I have opted to straighten my hair instead. I'm excited because S is visiting with A today and I haven't seen them for over a week. It's unfortunate though that my daughter sleeps like a teenager and still isn't up yet. Which is kind of bizarre considering she went to bed at her usual time and didn't wake up at all in the night. So here's my list...

Short term goals for today:

Clean the kitchen
Straighten my hair
Force myself out of my p.j's and into something presentable. (this one's gonna be tough)
Make sure M gets dressed
General tidying of things
Read some more of my book
Work out
Maybe blog about all this later

Wish me luck, I'm sure I'll need it. Chances are I will probably put most of this off til the last minute and take a nap in the afternoon instead. So we'll see how it all pans out but I'm going to try to convince myself that this is good for me.....

Alright it's four thirty now and I've cleaned the kitchen, straightened my hair, put real clothes on, put real clothes on M, tidied several times, and read a bit of my book! Since I'm currently blogging about this I consider blogging to be done as well! The only thing left is the work out, but I usually save that for closer to before shower and bed time! On the down side I still managed to fit in a nap.... Guilty as charged I slept from one thirty until three when M woke up from her nap. I think it's justified in the fact that I can't really do anything when she's sleeping because we only have one huge room to sleep, watch T.V, use the computer or other things that one would do in their spare time. Plus I consider sleep much more valuable that watching T.V or being on the computer for two hours! Now we will see if I can do all this again tomorrow!

My Youth

Some times I forget how young I still am... I think about what all my friends are doing at this point in their lives and I wonder to myself what am I really missing out on? Drinking until my liver turns into that of a forty year old? Schooling? Keeping up with style? I've pondered on all of these things and I've realized I'm not missing out on anything. When I do go out my style is quite refined. I definitely don't miss getting so hammered I can't even think straight. And there is still time for me to go back to school if I really want to. I forget how much care free fun I've already had and remember why I stopped being care free. I don't enjoy it, because the bottom line is nothing is ever really care free, we all have our responsibilities no matter how small they may seem. I remember going out with my friends almost every night and still having that feeling in the pit of my stomach that I'd be paying for it the next morning.

It's incredible that we often times dwell on the past and what has been. My future is already happening and I need to take control of it and keep on top of things. I don't just mean immediate responsibilities, I also have a duty to make sure that I love my life and that I am always making the most of it. Lazy days may be enjoyable in the moment, but what do they really accomplish? Nothing.... I had the hardest time coming up with a blog these last few weeks and couldn't figure out why. It all stemmed to procrastination. I couldn't think of anything good to write about because I was going back to that place where I just didn't feel like doing anything. This is something that I struggle with a lot in my day to day life. It's part of being a stay at home mom. All of the immediate duties are easy enough to manage.

Things like laundry, dishes, and house work really aren't all that time consuming. It takes five minute to switch laundry and then twenty minutes to fold it all. It takes about a half an hour to clean the kitchen which is the only room that needs to be cleaned daily other than regular tidying of toys. Even the other tidy up only takes another half an hour. So out of my twenty four hour day I spend an hour and forty minutes doing my housekeeping. Child rearing on the other hand consumes the most amount of my time, however I actually enjoy that. But if the other stuff doesn't take that long then why am I procrastinating? I always feel better once it's done.....

Even things like doing my hair or nails makes me feel good. So why do I only do them when I'm going to be going out? I want to do these things all of the time. I always want to feel good and like I am accomplishing more than just house work and mothering in a day... Some of my new goals are going to be to keep up with my appearance, stay on top of all of my housework, and just feel good! Small goals that seem easy enough to accomplish, but we'll see just how hard this really is!

Gone...

We would be nothing
If not for you.
We would die
If you were gone.
I would not carry on...
Every thing that I know would be lost.
My core of self would be lost .
My shining sun on those cloudy days.
Would be lost...

I just witnessed my daughter climb up my chair and onto my desk. We have ceramic tile for flooring, I'm sure had we not caught her this would have ended horribly....

Cell Phones, Policemen, and Guitar Hero!

I've decided that my new home should be at the Wireless Wave in Cloverdale Mall! As we all know I broke my phone last Saturday, so now my entire weekend has been consumed by getting a new one. The first one I purchased was an LG NEON blue, bad decision! The phone was defective it kept overheating and the battery was dieing every twenty minutes. So yesterday I returned it for the black version of the phone. Well this one had the same problem with the battery, and once it died and I turned it back on it told me to insert the right SIM! I ventured back over to the Wireless Wave and returned that one for a smaller, cheaper, less technically advanced cellular device which is working perfectly fine!

I'm sort of looking at this as a lesson well learned. Never throw your phone at a wall in a fit of rage and expect getting a new one to be easy! It was like the phone gods were looking down on me and laughing in fit's of hysteria. Another lesson I learned is patience... Every time I have gone to wireless wave there has been a huge line and I have had to wait for at at least thirty minutes, some times an hour. However I always held my composure and greeted the teller politely until they sassed me and I began to become one of those "difficult" customers.

Now that I'm looking back on this weekend I'm realizing that my patience is maturing. Yesterday I was pulled over by an under cover policeman who claimed I had run a red light. As a result of my calm attitude and explanation he did not fine me the ticket of one hundred and eighty dollars and three demerit points. I also think he was easy on me because he saw my track record and thought "there's no way in heck this girl will be able to afford insurance if I give her this ticket". I was very grateful to the policeman and told him I learned my lesson and that "when we see and ember light we stop" in one of those innocent childlike voices!

All in all considering the amount of B.S I've had to put up with this weekend I'd say it was a very successful one. It was also very enjoyable, I got to spend time with M and C, and I went to Curry's to get some art supplies, played a little guitar hero and slept quite well! Here's to another great day tomorrow!

Common Wealth

You want to give us everything
All we want is you
You say things will be better
But they are amazing now
The world is so demanding of you
And you give it all that it demands
We demand nothing of you
This is where we stand
You voyage out on your journey to conquer
Accomplish your dreams
In turn we will accomplish ours
We will always be a family of dreamers and believers
We will rejoice in our accomplishments
We will have them to share forever
Our home will be in the clouds
Our hearts will be entwined for eternity
Our love will never falter
This is our life of constant prosperity
You needn't ever worry about material riches
As long as we love
We will always be wealthy


We Love You

This is a poem that I thought up while I was speaking to C. It is something so many people struggle with, this "common wealth". I know that C does not base his whole life on material things, but when he does it is always for his girls. He wants the best for us, but it is so hard for me to watch him struggle and strive to always be better, and do better for us. Don't get me wrong it is for himself as well but the frustration I some times see behind his eyes makes me feel pain. I mostly feel this way because I am not an easy person to live with, I'm a "low maintenance" kind of gal. However I am still quite demanding. I'm sure that once my daughter is able to speak, and if C wasn't so afraid to hurt my feeling's he would agree. I'm sort of like my mother in that tough love sense of the word. I always strive to deliver my absolute best when I am doing something for others. So I have a hard time when I feel that others are not doing the same in return. The problem is that I am a perfectionist with a bit of obsessive compulsive disorder.

What I am saying though is that I feel bad that I can not just come out and tell C every day how much I know what he does for me, and that it is good enough because I know that he is doing his best and is always striving to do better. I wish I could just tell him to read this poem with out knowing that he will say " you didn't have to write that. I know you want the best for us and we are a team". I want him to understand it's more than that, I want him to view his pain through my eyes. I want him to truly see himself for what I see, because no one can see themselves as others see them, it's almost as hard as trying to tickle yourself.

Now it's getting late and I am going to stop writing so that I can spend the last few remaining moments of this day with my beautiful family. We will relish in all that we have accomplished today and everything we will accomplish tomorrow!

Ode to Humanity.

A little piece I wrote last night while M mooched food off of C... (I know the image is opposite of what happened but I found it suitable none the less)

Spaghetti

My daughters profound love for spaghetti is amazing! I wish that the whole world could love each other as much as my little girl loves spaghetti. She loves to mush it, look at it, eat it, play in it, talk to it, and mix it with various other foods. If society could mesh as well as my daughter and this delicious dish, the world would be a better place. If we could put aside our difference's and just come together in a harmonious medley of co-existence. If we did not judge each other but rather explored each other in a positive light we could all be happy. My child does not wage war on her spaghetti, she just loves it whether she's eating it or not. She can't wait to be around it.

Spaghetti makes her messy and sticky and stains her face, hands, and clothes but she still loves it all the same. My daughter does not much like being any of these things so for her it is a lot to sacrifice being clean for the love of this food. We may not like the way other people look or the language they speak or how different their customs are from our own. But if we could put all of this aside we could see how much every human on earth deserves to be loved. If my little sixteen month old baby can put aside her discomforts for her food, than we as adults should be able to do the same for one another.

Practice, Practice, Practice!

When my mother said "practice makes perfect" I never used to listen. I always thought being perfect made perfect. I was the type of person to always want to just be perfect, I didn't think I should have to work hard to become good at anything. The way I saw it was if I didn't do it right the first time then I needed to move on to something else that I was good at. Now as I get older I'm beginning to realize that I may be great at many things but that doesn't mean I can't be even better at them with a little practice. I want to be awesome at all kinds of things and to do that I need to keep doing them. I can't just do something once and say "wow I'm great" then forget about it.

While I was thinking this another thought came to mind, I'm conceited..... That was a tough pill to swallow. I may not be your average "look at me, I'm amazing, I'm better than you" kind of conceited, but that doesn't change the fact that I am. When it comes to the things I excel at I used to truly believe I was so great I couldn't push myself any farther because I had already made it to the top. Now I am beginning to see that just because I'm on top doesn't mean I don't need to make that journey back down to the bottom of the mountain. I think that when you peak you are only half way there, think of how much more you have to experience in that trek back down. Only on the way down it's easier because you're a little wiser than you were on the way up, and by the time you get to the bottom you can say to yourself "wow that was hard but I did it" and now you can feel accomplished.

You need to practice to be perfect, then once you feel you've reached perfection, practice the art of perfection until you can't remember what it was like to not be amazing at what you're doing. This cannot be applied to all things in this life because we are human and our minds are infinite so we will never stop learning and will always have something to practice at. For example I will never perfect the art of mothering as I am growing and learning with my child, and any subsequent children I will have will be different from my first so I will be growing and learning with them as well. However that will not stop me from practicing the art of perfecting mothering.

My toughest challenge so far has been to practice being a good warmhearted person. It's very difficult as I am only human, and I have wants and needs, and they occasionally get the better of me and I begin to think selfishly. I am trying to eliminate this selfish part of my character and become a more giving, optimistic person. It is difficult for me to do that because for some reason I have developed this notion that I always deserve more than what others can offer me. This is not always the case but when it is I instantly feel bad about myself for not having taking other people's lives and feelings into account. I have this problem with C a lot. He does so much for me but sometimes I am so blinded by jealousy or greed that I don't see what he has given me I only see what I have given him. Often times I can tell that he has done the same. We become selfish! How can two people who love each other so much become so negative and greedy?

The answer is, we are only human. Humans make mistakes, and the only way to fix them is to practice becoming better people. Then we must perfect that and practice the art of always being selfless, compassionate people. It will take a long time to achieve this but it can be done, and it is my ultimate goal as a mother, spouse, friend, daughter and so on to accomplish this goal of being a selfless human being.